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7 Signs It’s Lust Not Love

Matters of the heart are tricky. Most of us can’t figure out half of the time if the feelings we feel towards our significant others stem from love or desire. Most of us think they’re the same thing, only in different forms. But is it true? No, argues psychiatrist Judith Orloff. “Pure lust is based solely on physical attraction and fantasy – it often dissipates when the “real person” surfaces,” says Orloff. “However, real love, not based on idealization or projection, requires time to get to know each other.”

If you’re in a relationship in which lust seems more evident than love, fear not. Lust is not excluded from love – in fact, it can lead to love. All it takes is time, patience, honesty and self-discovery. And your gut feeling! If your gut tells you that your relationship could become something more than just physical desire, then you probably have a good chance of evolving to romantic love. A good relationship is that which balances both. Socrates said it best when he advised, “Where there is love there is madness.” Without further ado, here are the 7 known signs of lust:

#1 You’re dressed to impress

You make sure you look your best when you’re with them. If you’re a woman, you invest your time and money to wax your eyebrows, wear makeup and choose clothing that flatters your body shape. If you’re a man, you make sure to wear your best suit and look clean and groomed. And, of course, opt for the best cologne. You’re hyper-aware of your appearance when you’re in your object of lust’s presence.

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This indicates that your relationship is merely superficial. How would it be if it wasn’t? For starters, you wouldn’t care what you look like in front of your partner because you know they see through your physical appearance.

#2 A dearth of meaningful conversations

You never feel like talking about things like your problems, worries, dreams and life with your partner. It makes you feel uncomfortable and uneasy. This means that you have not yet reached a point in your relationship that you are both open to each other’s flaws and imperfections. True love is friendship while lust is just a relationship that is shallow and unfulfilling to the heart.

#3 They look like sin

You see your partner as the literal reincarnation of the god/goddess of love. They seem to be blessed with incredible beauty and you feel amazed that they are yours. You think that they are perfect and can do no wrong. However, no one is perfect and this realization is where true love blossoms. A romantic relationship is that in which you do not care about the physical appearance of your partner but rather what lies within: their personality, kindness, passion and dreams.

#4 Your time is spent tumbling

The majority of your time alone together is spent being physically intimate. It seems like no matter what activities you plan together, they always end up in sex. While having sex is also a method of expressing your feelings, it should not be the only one.

#5 You don’t connect on an emotional level

If your silences are uncomfortable and awkward, that screams pure lust. If you are in love with someone, you are comfortable with their silence and are content with even mundane activities like lying on your sides and staring into each other’s eyes. In a lusty relationship, there is no communication. You don’t dare talk about things like your feelings out of fear that will create distance between you two. Likewise, you aren’t interested about how they feel about the relationship.

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#6 Your memories are of the bedroom alone

Think about the place where you normally spend time together. It is probably the bedroom. You prefer being together away from public places or ‘date-like’ scenarios. When you think about your partner, you do not register what you ate together, what you talked about and where you went to walk. You only remember what happened in the bedroom, when you two were alone. You don’t care about anything else.

#7 No plans for the future

You tell them how beautiful they are and how much you want them often, but when it comes to the future, you keep your mouth zipped shut. The thought of long-term commitment, children, joint bank accounts and shared vacations has not crossed your mind. It is not something you want. You only want to stay like this forever. However, a relationship based on lust fizzles out quickly.

If you want it to last, start building a base. Set realistic goals for yourself and your partner and start communicating.


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